Over the course of one week my life has changed dramatically. All by the choices of my 2 almost 3 year old daughter Ashley. I have long known that this sweet beautiful angel has a stubborn personality. From early on I could tell that once she made a decision that was it…or else. When she was a baby she would grab my chest and squeeze until she drew blood if I didn’t do just the right thing. And when a baby can’t talk you can’t always get it right.
Also from the time she was born this child slept on her own. As an infant I couldn’t even get her to snuggle with me. Every night at 8pm we would lay her in her bed and say good night, she would wave and we would have a nice quiet evening to ourselves. Okay, so in reality we had time to get all the things done that there are not enough hours in the day to complete, but at least we had the time. Our older girls slept with us way too long so we welcomed this need of hers. Until one fateful day in February 2011. (That’s not exact but sounds good) The girls and I decided to watch a movie. A decision I would regret and secretly not regret at all. We chose Monsters Inc. Since it’s a movie about monsters being nice I didn’t think twice about it. Had I thought this through a little more I might have realized that the moral that ‘most monsters are actually nice’ would be lost on an almost 2 year old. That night as we slept we heard the screams of terror coming from our little angel’s room. We both shot out of bed and found ourselves cradling and consoling this little panicked one year old. We brought her into our room and she slept with us and….she never left. The next day she told us there was a monster in her room and she never even went back in. At first she was afraid but during the time she was afraid she realized something, that Mommy and Daddy’s bed is more comfortable than hers. And that it is more fun to stay up with Mommy and Daddy than simply go to bed when you are supposed to. So she turned on her stubborn personality and has been sleeping in our bed since. And instead of going to bed at bedtime, she has insisted one of us lay with her until she is asleep. Yes. Awesome. Eric and I have had a child in our bed most of our relationship. It started with Marissa, then Addie and now Ashley.
But all that changed two nights ago. You see I was really annoyed at the fact that I was sharing my bed again. I haven’t slept well since I generally prefer NO feet in my face when I sleep. But secretly I loved it. This is my last child. My last little bundle of joy. My baby. And I lost time with her as a baby because I had two other kids to take care of, I hurt my hand and couldn’t care for her, and quite frankly she just didn’t want me. She was independent out of the womb. Finally at almost 2 years old I could snuggle her and kiss her and she couldn’t do anything about it. Because she was asleep…in MY bed!! But I still complained. Every night as I layed with her I tried to enjoy the moment but couldn’t help being angry that I had so much to do and laying there was making me lose all energy.
As she is my third child I have raised, things have been different with Ashley. I have never stressed about milestones or put pressure on myself to make her do things I didn’t believe she was ready for. She recently started ballet and as some of the other moms talked about having potty trained or being in the process, I really could have cared less that my little munchkin was there with a fat diaper on. I've just learned that kids show you when they are ready for things. And I am not knocking the parents that do things earlier as each parent has their own beliefs and methods and I encourage that. My personal point was proven to me two weeks when after not being able to force Ashley near the potty, she decided she wanted to use it. She got on and went and has been since. I was happy but sad at the same time. And it was just the beginning.
The next thing I knew she didn't want her baba anymore. I know it seems like 3 is too old to have a baba but really it was just a sippy cup filled with milk. And next, she just doesn’t want to use her binky! Unless she is extremely tired she wants nothing to do with it!! As sad as all of this is when it is your last, I thought we should try getting her in her own bed while she was being stubbornly grown up. We put a mattress on the floor in Addie’s room and told her she could start sleeping there and if she stayed all night we would give her a prize in the morning. Now obviously since we have been trying to get her back on her own for over a year we thought it would never work and she would come running to Mommy and Daddy. And we would be annoyed but secretly happy that she still needs us. But I am happy, sad, excited, sad, proud, sad and maybe a little more sad to announce that two nights later she has her own room with her sister Addie. All night she stays in that little mattress on the floor she calls her bed. And last night she was ready at 6pm to go to bed just because she has one! The saddest part of this for me was when we handed her her lovey bear she has had since she was a baby and she said ‘I don’t want that anymore, that’s when I was a baby’. (mommy cries)
Today my little girl is wearing big girl underwear for the first time ever. In the matter of a week she went from my baby to a little girl. And in this last week I have stopped and noticed her and paid more attention to her than I usually do. Because time is flying before my eyes. I’m reminded that these little girls will only be my little girls for a moment in time. That most of their lives will be spent as independent women who take care of themselves, away from Mommy. They only need me now and it drives me so crazy how much they need me that most days I lose my mind. But they need me. A little less today than yesterday but I’ll take it.
I turned 30 last month and of course eveyone asked me “How do you feel? Do you feel old?". The truth is that my birthday did affect me in a big way. But not because I feel old, but because I realized how fast this life goes by. I was seriously 20 yesterday partying it up and I thought I had my whole life to accomplish the things I wanted. And suddenly Im 30? THREE kids and a husband and starting my own business? ON THE PTO?? I feel like I just met Eric but we have been together close to 8 years!! That is the longest either of us have ever been with anyone! And we have lived in our house 6 ½ years! That is the longest my husband has lived anywhere EVER! My life is no longer my life its our lives and its scary and annoying and hard. And special.
While Im sad about how fast life is going by I know I am still young. And that today matters, every day matters. If not to me, I am constantly reninded that it does to my kids. While I'm frantically planning a school activity or a party for someone or a craft for something I generally feel a deep sense of guilt that I'm occupying myself outside of my kids. Eric constantly reminds me that while they may not show it they are being influenced by the things I do. I am showing them my values and that it is important to do things for others and to be part of your child's education. I'm showing them selflessness and that makes me happy. All my work everyday pays off. Whether its spent staring in their eyes and listening to their every word or busily doing something while saying ‘ya…ya’ to every comment they make. My goal in this life to be the best mom and wife is paying off. And one day I will look back at this short time I had with these girls and miss it.
I read an amazing article yesterday in the Huffington post. It was called ‘Don’t Carpe Diem’(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html). I was laughing out loud as I read it. The author was talking about how people always say to enjoy every minute with your kids and the pressure that puts on you. Because you are not going to enjoy every moment with your child. But there are moments that make it all worth it.
She went on to say that she believes that people who say they loved every minute of parenting in fact probably look back and enjoy ‘having parented’ rather than actually every minute while it was happening. I love honesty in parenting and this rang so true for me. It might be hard and crazy right now but one day, which I know will be soon, I will look back and love ‘having parented’.
I woke up to a message from a good friend this morning that said ‘Have I ever told you you are an awesome mom?’ She saw a picture of my kids with their hair all done up for crazy hair day and knows I am NOT a morning person(that is the greatest understatement in history). She doesn’t have kids so she may not have realized how that message made my day. It was like getting an A on a test. Or my essay being chosen for the newspapaer. We never know if all we are doing as parents shows and we always beat ourselves up for not doing it perfectly. If my kids know, my family knows and my friends even know that I’m doing something right, I am complete. And while time is passing quickly, I realize I will look back at the time that went too quick and remember I had good friends and family, happy kids, a grateful husband and that I worked hard to have those things. I will know I spent my time doing the right things. Because you can’t control the clock ticking away but you can control how you spend the time.
So today while I’m sad because I officially don’t have a baby anymore...Im proud of the memories filling the minutes of the hours of the days that are my life. Our lives.
